Lily Evans Did Not Just Touch James Potter's Arse
by El Padfoot
Summary: In which Lily Evans does touch James Potter's arse and he freaks out about it... Oneshot.


Lily Evans had always found pleasure in reading books. Whether it was the hilarious "How to Curse Your Enemies and Get Away with It" or a cheesy Jane Austen novel, there was nothing quite like reading a book and falling in love with the characters. Whatever its size or thickness, that didn't matter to her; she could finish anything in a day or two. The real problem was how to squeeze that little hobby into her already tightly packed schedule. Doing _that_ was relatively easy during her first three years of school—she was young and had a lot of spare time, after all. But as time passed and she became involved with other activities and whatnot, Lily started finding the job increasingly difficult- especially when she got appointed to the Prefect position in 5th year. Now, Seventh Year and the Head Girl, it wasn't that tricky anymore, not after six years of practice.

Lily Evans had always been one to dedicate any scrap of free time she had to reading. She loved the solitude; she loved being able to forget about all her fears and apprehensions and fall into a different place altogether for a little while. Most of all, she loved the inexplicable bliss one could obtain from it.

On days when there weren't a lot of things that had to be done, particularly when the daily load of assignments, reports and tasks was light and manageable, she would look for a good spot, plop down, and begin reading a new book or continue what she had last left. The Common Room was generally a nice place to do that, but it was hard to read properly when anyone else was occupying the area. The great lake was another well-known spot, but the weather didn't always permit her to do what she wanted. The space between their dormitories was delightful and the library, divine, but it was the abandoned classrooms, she found out, which were the best places to enjoy her hobby- the ones not occupied by snogging couples, at least.

It was a particular Wednesday which, as luck would have it, just decided to be_ one of those days_, and who was Lily to go against the flow of nature? She raced to the closest empty classroom she could find after hurrying into the library and borrowing "Tales of The Doctor" by a certain wizard named Travis Mcburley as soon as her class was dismissed.

It was very curious indeed that out of all the classrooms she could have chosen, it had to be the one with the grey door and silver doorknob, for at the back most part of this particular room stood an old, wretched chair that nobody ever sat on. It reeked of rotten food and unwashed socks. Theories have circulated around the campus as to what had been done for it to achieve its horrific look, and what awful things it had been used for. Most people, however, simply wondered why- with its ancient and battered state- was the chair still there?

Legend had it that one of the forefathers of Hogwarts (popular choice was Salazar Slytherin) had created it to torture a few unfortunate students, but Lily knew the truth. Her memory told her that Anthony Lee, a Ravenclaw student who had graduated two years ago, vomited on it a few years back and made her promise not to tell anyone. So lived his legacy.

The only thing that still remained a mystery to her was whoever dropped a bunch of nails on the chair the night after, so that it became the monster it was known to be the next morning. (Regular removal spells didn't work, and nobody dared to try other things after a particular nasty incident). She didn't worry over such details very often, though, and decided that some things were better off left alone.

She sat a few chairs across it, and opened her book.

James Potter, meanwhile, was looking for Lily Evans. Her dot was trickier to find than it usually was, and not knowing where she was bugged him excessively; he fancied himself an expert at locating her. The little mark seemed to be hiding from him. In fact, she wasn't anywhere she should have been, or anywhere her friends were, and her favourite spots were absolutely Lily-less.

He wanted to know what she was doing, and while the Marauders' Map usually afforded him that pleasure, it seemed to be malfunctioning at the moment. Guessing where she was wasn't an option, either, as Lily always had something unpredictable about her manner of doing things that James could never be sure. It was a trait that made her interesting and bewitching, yes, but sometimes it got in the way of things.

After another minute of staring at the piece of parchment, he found her. James grinned, pleased with his discovery, and he walked towards the square-shaped room that held her, wondering what he would find.

The door creaked open, interrupting Lily from her reading. If it had been anyone else, she would have been greatly annoyed, but it happened to be James Potter, and she had started becoming very fond of him since a few weeks ago.

"Hi Lily."

She smiled tentatively. "Hullo there."

He entered the room and was about to take the seat across her, but something in his action made her panic. James was going to sit at the infamous chair—yes, _that_ one- and he had no clue.

_But didn't he know?_ For goodness sake, everyone at Hogwarts knew about the legend.

"NOOOOO," she screamed, and before she could think about what she was doing properly, Lily had dived in and pushed James out of the way.

"Lil-" he was about to say, but the name died in his throat when her body collided with his, and they came smacking down on the ground. "AAAARGH!"

Yes, his loved one was very unpredictable indeed.

To Lily, on the other hand, it was complete victory; anything was better than getting pricked at the rear end and getting your robes infected with age-long bacteria. However, she didn't expect such an extreme reaction, not to mention a barmy look on James's face.

His pupils were dilated, and he looked flustered. It was hard to figure out _what_ he was feeling at that moment, because the only readable expression on his face was incredible surprise.

Then, after a few moments, "My arse! You just touched my arse!"

Lily instantly blushed, and was sent into defensive mode. "I did not!"

"Yes, you did!" he insisted.

And it was in that instant when the third unfortunate person admitted himself to their company.

"Cathy?" Sirius Black said, looking around. When he spotted his best mate, and the woman his best mate had been chasing for four years sprawled in the position they were in, his hand immediately went to cover his eyes in an exaggerated manner.

"Oh good cobblestones, you two! Ever heard of putting your ties on the doorknob when it's taken?" In another voice, he added, "Anyway, good job, Prongs. Barely two weeks into it and you're already-"

Lily shot him a narrow look. "What are you talking abo—we are not together!"

"Yes you are," he answered plainly.

"No—"

James tapped her in the shoulder. "Lily, it's okay. He _knows_."

Her mouth dropped, and she looked accusingly between the two. "You _told_ him? Why on earth did you tell him?"

"James talks in his sleep, if you must know," Sirius said, flashing an innocent expression.

"Rather reflexively, I might add."

Sirius chuckled. "Remember the time you accidentally slept without your socks on and ended up sleepwalking? Then you went all the way to my bed and hugged me like a-"

"Oi! Not with Lily around!"

"But she needs—no, deserves— to hear this story!"

"If you utter a single word, I'll tell everyone that you use shoeshine to wax your hair before your dates!"

"Don't you dare, Potter! Don't you—"

"I can walk out of this room right here, right now, and scream it for all of Hogwarts to hear."

James took a step towards the door, but Sirius tackled and pinned him to the ground.

"Get off me, you hound! Get the hell off me!"

Lily then decided that the oddness was enough for the day. She picked up her book and walked out of the room. "That's it. I'm out of here."

The two fell silent and looked at each other; seemingly knowing what either had to say.

Sirius glanced at the open door. "Prongs, mate…"

James could only stare at the ground. "She touched my arse, Padfoot. My arse…"

* * *

**A/n**: I wrote this around a year ago and forgot about it until today. I really don't know what I was thinking or what inspired me to write this, but it must have been something really weird. As for the title, I literally couldn't think of anything else. Ehehehe :D

I dedicate this to the patient people who are still waiting for the next chapter of NWILL (seriously, I love you guys), to Athena (because she's the one who made me think of finishing this), and to my wonderful beta Mibamonster (because she's awesome and crazy that way. Check out her fics). Tsk, so many dedications for such a light and pointless oneshot. Oh well. :)

Also, I've been meaning to write fics about other ships/fandoms, but I don't know where to start. If you have any suggestions, leave it in a review or message me.

xoxo  
El Padfoot


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